Hey my name is Matt and today we’re gonna be ranking fast-food biscuits. So here’s the criteria: number one, they need to come from a fast-food restaurant. Like with the drive-through. …
Hey my name is Matt and today we’re
gonna be ranking fast-food biscuits. So here’s the criteria: number one, they need
to come from a fast-food restaurant. Like with the drive-through. Just because they
get you in and out and fast doesn’t mean that they qualify.
Sorry Waffle House. Number two, this restaurant needs to be in most of the
South. So your local regional favorites, like my beloved Jack’s, doesn’t qualify.
Three, I don’t know if we have a third rule. Fast-food, most of the South, get in
my mouth. There, those are the three rules. So we’re gonna rank biscuits today on
their deliciousness, flaky goodness, their density, their “crumbelosity.” It’s not a
word but it is now. These are these this is very scientific biscuit ranking
method that I have pioneered. Drum roll please. The first challenger is from
Mickey D’s. Not excited about this one. I can already tell you that this thing is
greasy. You know pretty standard looking biscuit, strange black speck there at the
bottom. Just go ahead and pull that off right there. So crumbly goodness not
really there. Actually if anything I can I tell you this is gonna be pretty chewy.
You know I mean in a pinch this will do. It’ll do you. But we’re not in a pinch. I
got lots of biscuits available today. But I know that we can do better than this.
Man this is a like biscuit gum, far chewier than I would like a biscuit to
be. But you know what it’s nothing that a little jelly can’t fix, I think. So I’m just
going to litter and go ahead and that place our flag in here. Going from best
to worst I’m gonna say, I mean this is subject to change,
McDonald’s is probably going to be bottom of the pack but not the worst.
I’ve had worse biscuits before. I’ve been up north, so yeah. Well we’re just gonna
put it maybe right there. Biscuit number two. Ahhhh . . .Chick-Fil-A! I’m gonna anger some people
here. Now listen I love Chick-Fil-A, it’s a good place. You may recall the Back
Porch Bickerin’, where I cited for Whataburger against Chick-Fil-A, and had
some harsh criticism for God’s chicken, but they will they will treat you right.
They will take care of you I will say that. But to play biscuits it’s probably
the weakest thing on their menu next to that kale thing that they serve now
instead of cole slaw. You know this kind of looks like this is almost, this is
almost to the shape of like a cat head biscuit. It’s not a uniform shape like
McDonald’s, which looks like it’s been definitely pulled out of a bag from the
freezer and then baked. This looks like it was made with with love, and prayed
over probably since it came from Chick-Fil-A. You know what not bad
“crumbleosity” let’s say this passes that. Hmm. That’s a dry biscuit. I’m gonna be honest, you might as well just get you a handful of flour and take a bite out of it.
They can do better this, and I’m saying all these bad things about Chick-Fil-A
and at any moment now Chick-Fil-A employees gonna come up here and
apologize to me. Because that’s how they are. But that, that is a dry biscuit.
You would probably need a gallon of water to help wash that down. Then make a
lot of people angry here, but I’m gonna put McDonald’s right above it. There’s just no
flavor. It needs, it needs some butter. Biscuit number three, Krystal. A lot of people don’t know that Krystal even has breakfast. People drive by
Krystals early in the morning and they see cars in the drive-thru and they just
to assume that they broke down there from the night before.
Oh I’m nervous about this, this okay I could, this is not good.
Probably would rather eat the wrapper. So this thing has some serious burnt spots.
There’s a like a mysterious white substance in the middle of my biscuit.
I’m gonna eat around that. I can tell you though that the density of this biscuit
is on point. Okay, well I know what that is, that’s unfinished biscuit on top.
This biscuit hasn’t been baked all the way. You tried Krystals and I’m not even
mad at you. That’s the thing with Krystals, it’s like you know Krystals
like we want to make breakfast and it’s kind of like your drunk friend when
they’re on the porch they’re like I can do a backflip off this porch, and you’re
like you know what go ahead I’m not gonna stop you.
Like, let’s just see what you got. Quick tip it helps to bake your biscuits all
the way. Don’t give customers raw biscuits. I’m going to stick a flag in
this one, as you can see it doesn’t sit up all the way. Cuz it’s not baked yet.
We’ll have to sit on the edge. This is going at the end of the table here. I’d
push it off the table if I could. Biscuit number four is from . . . Hardee’s! Hardee’s is
like an old friend to me. It was one of the first little fast food places in the
town where I grew up, and they always have a great breakfast. I don’t think
anyone’s eating lunch or dinner at Hardee’s in about 23 years, but breakfast
they got it going. Don’t let me down. Oh see,
that’s a good-looking fast-food biscuit. That’s what you want to see. All right, so
this is cooked perfectly on top. I mean this is the color gold you want to see.
Look at that. It’s going it takes some muscle to pull this biscuit apart. This tastes like just outside of that
kitchen there was a group of grumpy old men sitting around a table drinking
coffee, arguing about politics this morning. I’ll plant your flag it could
use a little bit more of a taste of butter, if this thing was hot right now,
I’d be in biscuit heaven. Which is basically, it’s just real heaven. I’m
gonna put this thing right here near the near the front of the pack. It’s gonna
take a lot to top Hardee’s. Biscuit number five. Five, is from . . . Whataburger. What a
biscuit. Whataburger’s breakfast is extremely underrated. It is one of my go
to’s in the morning for biscuits. Uhhmm, everyone they’re so nice and friendly to
me, and everything tastes so fresh. Whataburger are the one I go to is on
our game. This is a very different this is a very different looking biscuit than
some of the others. It’s, it’s way more flat, which is a little concerning.
It is almost two perfectly round, so this thing just kind of fell apart without
any crumbs. That puppy is dense that is like the Earth’s crust. I feel like I
should be diagramming this right now. Different layers of which none I
remember what they’re called. Can, what’s what’s a layer of the Earth’s crust?
No one paid attention to that part of science class. The earth’s core . . . that’s the
middle. The stratosphere (off camera). That’s in the sky. Fun fact about It’s a Southern Thing,
no one passed elementary science. Okay man (laughing satisfied). Hmm . . . Y’all that’s a good biscuit. First off you get that butter, which
is like the most important part of the biscuit. It is possible to have too much
butter. I know somewhere out there Paula Deen just started crying, but you can have
too much butter. This is perfect. You get hit with that butter when you first take
a bite, then you get into that complexity of the biscuit. You’re gonna need
something to drink with this one. This is the first biscuit that I want to eat the
entire thing up. That’s good. There you go with what’s
left of this biscuit Whataburger is in the top spot. Biscuit number six. Right?
Yes six! That’s the number after five but before seven, is from Burger King. I don’t
think I’ve ever had the biscuit from Burger King. I don’t even like this . . . on
the wrapper it says biscuit sandwich it’s just a biscuit.
I want a sausage biscuit I want a bacon egg and cheese biscuit. I want a chicken
biscuit. No one says I want a chicken biscuit sandwich. Okay
I think I want a yeah this is gonna be another Krystal situation where they did
not leave this one in the oven long enough. Also mysterious like someone put
out like the cigarette maybe on the edge of this biscuit, so that’s fun. Okay so
crumbly it could be a little more denser it’s starting to like fall part a little bit.
Get lots of crumbs here. Don’t like to see that when you try to drive down the
road I need a biscuit safety first. Always keep two hands on your biscuit
use your legs to work that steering wheel. Yeah see I shouldn’t tap it like a
cigarette ash fall off. This is not I’m getting some weird flavors in this
thing. Who picked these biscuits up? Did you make the lady in the drive-thru mad
before you bought these? This is not good. This is not you know what I don’t even
it’s not even fair to the other biscuits to leave this on the table right now.
Oh ma’am I didn’t no no I’m . . . This is ummm, that is a disgrace to biscuits. I
mean listen I understand that we’re getting fast food biscuits. You’ve got to
have certain level expectations when you roll through that drive-thru at 7:00 in
the morning. You pull up and and person the speaker’s
like (undecipherable gibberish) And I’m like sure I want that and
a sausage biscuit. You know that biscuit is not gonna be that great, but these
this is I would march back in ask to speak to whoever’s responsible for these
biscuits and escort them out of the South. Because this is unacceptable. And
now for the final biscuit challenger number seven. Is from . . . Bojangles! Man I
love me some Bojangles. This almost isn’t a fair fight, because Bojangles is a
chicken restaurant like KFC and Popeyes, Churches. That also does breakfast.
That’s a good lookin’ biscuit y’all. That’s a good-looking biscuit. Oh man,
look at that, That’s like perfectly done. This was
pulled out of the oven at just the right moment. Crumbleosity pretty good,
pretty good. You want to see that in the biscuit, so that you know it’s real,
and not from Burger King. When you see this on a biscuit, you know whoever’s
been making em’ is doing it right. You get that little bit of flour there at the
bottom, like maybe they’ve coated the pan before they laid the biscuits down to go
to the oven. That’s somebody back there knows what they’re doing. Mm-hmm, that’s good a little bit
different from Whataburger, because the butter kind of hits you not right away,
but after you start taking couple bites, you get to taste that butter. This is a
good one, this is the second biter, right here.
The only thing that would make it better is a spicy chicken Cajun filet in the
middle of it right now. This doesn’t even seem fair to everybody
else . . I mean it’s in their name. I mean when you say that you’re Bojangles
famous chicken and biscuits you got a lot to live up to. And Bojangles has
done that. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever made. Here it is from gooder to
badder . . . Number one is Bojangles and the final ranking of our biscuits. In dead
last with what barely qualifies as a biscuit Burger King. In sixth place
Krystal, in fifth place Chick-Fil-A Fourth place McDonald’s, third place a
beloved Hardee’s, second place runner-up Whataburger. With what a
biscuit. And in first place the grand champion Bojangles. We had a lot of good
biscuits today, we had a few bad biscuits and we had something masquerading as a
biscuit from Burger King. I don’t even want to look at you. Going home.