“KITCHEN” So, where’s our promised
signature omelette? I felt for a second
like I was already at work. Move it, Chicken-butt! – Move it!
– Kostyan. Who’s that? These are ants. Did the ants ring the doorbell? Kostik, I’ve ordered a new ants farm. Give me two thousand. – How much?
– Two thousand. Thank you. I shouldn’t have thrown out
the old baguette that was covered with ants. Now we’d saved some money… “Ilya” Who called? Mom called, probably wanted to ask me again
when I’m getting married. I’ll call her back later. Is everything okay? Look… look. They’re so pretty. By the way, Sasha,
would you like to chip in? After all, you’re the one
who poisoned the last ants. Yeah, right away. Yesterday
I killed a moth in my closet. Do I have to pay for it
now, too? Yeah? “ILYA” Why are you twitching? Look, nerve cells,
like burned pork, aren’t recovering. My locker’s open there, and wallets are being stolen
in our restaurant. I’m gonna go lock it up. Why are you so cheerful,
big-eared chicken? Did you sleep well? What, Sasha doesn’t want you? What did you say? It’s just when I lived with her,
I didn’t even know what sleeping was. I would hit you, but don’t want to get my hands dirty. Who’s gonna ask you? Lavrov, what are you doing? What are you doing… Are you out of your mind? Stop it, what are you doing? – Come on, get up.
– That’s enough, that’s enough. – Get up, I’m telling you, get up.
– Back off, back off, Lavrov. That’s it. Come on,
what are you doing, Appendix?! I didn’t touch him. Yes, he’s got
his own nose blown out, right? Actually, that’s what happened. He punched himself to put it on me. – B…
– Whoa, calm down. – All right, that’s it.
– Let me go. Bastard. – Thank you guys, thank you.
– You okay? Leva, have a heart, let me sleep. – Chef?
– Lyova, what do you want? It’s almost noon. Y-y-you haven’t slept at home. Mom and I are worried.
Where are you? I spent the night at the restaurant. Now I went for a little while to…
this one… well… to the spa salon. And what are you doing there? What’s your business?
I’m waxing my mustache. I’ll be there soon. What’s that? You’re acting like a child. Lyova is a grown-up guy, you could’ve told him the truth. Indeed. Be quiet. – Yes, son, hello.
– Hi, mom. Are you at work? Well, of course I’ve been a long time
in the restaurant already. Please, be quiet. – How was your flight?
– It was fine. It’s just terribly cold here. Are you wearing warm socks? Mom, it’s a good
that you haven’t sewed a rubber band to my gloves yet. – I’m not five years old.
– All right, well, no offense. Bye. That’s very funny. Lena… you’re acting like a child. Viktor Petrovich,
by the way, it’s half past 12. Two best restaurants in Moscow
are almost decapitated. Don’t you think
you should get up and go to work? – What do you mean, “to work”?
– To work! And breakfast? How do you look at the mix
of tender mozzarella in tobasco sauce with dried cherry tomatoes
and tender slices of Parma ham? Oh, that sounds delicious! Absolutely! It’s my favorite pizza. Pizza?! Mm-hmm, of course.
But we’ll have another half hour. Hello! We’d like to order pizza! Sasha, you know me,
I’ll never get in a fight first. Listen, don’t make
a fool out of me, okay? You’ve got so mad because of one call,
as if he proposed to me. Why did you lie to me
that your mom called you? Yeah, I knew you’d feel bad. But I didn’t think
you’d react like that. I’m seriously telling you,
he has beaten himself up! – Anyway!
– Wait! Or what? You’re gonna punch me
in the nose too, right? Excuse me, Maxim Leonidovich, I heard what’s going on
between you and Ilya Vladimirovich… He’s a remarkably unpleasant type… I’ve had an honor
of dealing with him. You know,
the supreme advantage of war is not to attack your enemy, but to destroy his plans. Sun Tzu. What? Well, yeah. “THE ART OF WAR” SUN TZU
Here. I think I found it for a reason. You could use it. War is business of a vital importance. The basis of life and death,
a path either to survival or death. People started throwing away books. This country
doesn’t have long to live. Okay, enough lying around here
like vegetables on the grill. I’m gonna take a shower. And I’ll stay a bit longer. An eggplant like me needs more time. Oh! Here comes the pizza. I’m coming, I’m coming! – Oh, hey.
– Hi. How much do I owe you? What “how much do I owe you”? Oh, I see. Keep the change. Give me the pizza
and get out of here. What pizza?
Who are you, anyway? – Where are you going?
– Let me through. Where are you going?
Oh, you also stink! – Look at him!
– Get your hands off me, you’ll rip my jacket. Okay. If you don’t want
to go easy, then it’ll hurt. – What’s going on here?
– Lena, you go to the room. There’s a crazy guy in here,
I’m gonna take him out now. Mom, who’s this aggressive troll? Vitya, Viktor Petrovich, stop. This crazy guy is my son Vasiliy. Vasya, this is not a troll,
this is Vasiliy Petrovich. Oh, my God. Viktor Petrovich. – He’s….
– Oh, I see. You don’t have to go on. … my colleague. And what are you and him doing here?
Sharing your experience? Would you stop, please? Why are you here, anyway? You were supposed to be in Surgut
in practice half an hour ago. And you were supposed to be
in a restaurant half an hour ago. Stop being sarcastic. He smells of alcohol, by the way. – What?!
– Yes! – Vasya, are you, drunk?
– Mom, please don’t start. No, you’re drunk,right? Mom, don’t start.
I don’t need this bloody practice, same as university
that you and Dad found. Of course you’d better join the army.
Go to your room. – Come on, come on, come on.
– Thank you. – No, but have you seen it?!
– Well, don’t take it to heart. Do you know
how I was drinking at his age? Yeah, well, that’s not
a successful example. One who prepares for the war
is much closer to the victory than one who is confident in peace. What the hell are you doing? – I need your hair.
– What? Better even two hairs,
in case I lose one. Did you eat too many mushrooms ? Why do you need my hair? It’s a long story, Kostyan. I’m not in a hurry.
I have a duty until 9:00 pm. So, I decided to collect the hair
from all the employees of the restaurant. So then when it’s lonely, I can look at it and remember. That’s very funny.
Get out of here. Kostya, come on, hurry up.
I need two more lattes. One’s ready. And I’ll have two hairs. Kostya. – Hello.
– Hi. There’s a surprise
waiting for you tonight. Maybe that’s enough surprises
for today? Let’s just have dinner
at yours at “Monet”. Well, that was my surprise. Alright! Let’s pretend,
as if I didn’t know. Okay. I’m inviting you
for dinner at “Monet” tonight. Oh, my God, that’s so nice! Of course I accept invitation. Yeah, you’re not much of an actress,
but dinner’s at 7:00 pm. It’s a deal. Kisses. Kisses. Vika! Book for me this table for tonight. This is a favorite table
of Dmitry Vladimirovich. He has already booked it for tonight. He books it every day
and doesn’t come. If he comes, I’ll talk to him. Or I’ll tell him you didn’t warn me. That’s terrific. – For table five.
– Is that it? No. They’ve also ordered
three Lotharingia beef fillets and veal escalopes. They order so much meat today
as if the fasting is over. “Red hair – 2 pieces”. Use someone else’s knife
to kill the enemy. Use a friend to win,
and do not use force yourself. Excuse me, may I talk to you? Yes, I’m listening to you. I want to know
why there are hair in my salad. To be exact, two red hairs. Is it a promotion? Order a salad with one hair, you’ll get the second hair for free? I’m sorry, I don’t understand
how this happened. We are truly sorry. We’ll change the salad right now and it won’t be included in the bill. So you won’t bring me
the same one. Once again, I’m sorry. Victoria Sergeyevna,
I don’t understand. – It has never happened before.
– Getting old. Soon gray hair will fall too. And until you learn
to admit your mistakes, you’ll pay for them.
The salad’s on you. Go on. If you won a battle,
don’t revel in your victory. Because the war hasn’t been won yet. Timur, is the beef fresh? Today I need the freshest beef. – For you, the freshest, it’s tomorrow’s.
– Timur. Look, what do you want? I’m still confusing Russian language. Today’s is what I wanted to say. Senya, Senya! Don’t even look at this body. It’s for my guests. And by the way, I’ll be gone today. Actually, I will be here, but on the other side of the barricades. – H-h-how’s that?
– Like that, Lyova. Tonight I’m a guest. And you will be the Chef. Try it. – What do you think?
– It’s good. Okay. It shouldn’t be just good,
it should be great. (In Kyrgyz). What a delicious dessert! Ainura, it’s not a dessert,
it’s a pate. Oh, yes, I wanted to say pate. Yeah, thank you. How is it? What do you mean, how’s it?
I’ve just made it myself. You haven’t tried it,
you have to say how it is. No, you try it and say. You would never compromise
with your conscience. If you like it, it’s a masterpiece. I’ll make another one. Hello. Good evening. Talking to an invisible friend. The romantic date is coming up. And why’s a romantic date
at my table? Dima, I’m sorry.
Probably I should have called. I’ve invited Elena to dinner tonight. I thought you wouldn’t mind. Well, I thought
you weren’t coming tonight. Okay, enjoy. It’s a lucky table. Definitely you’ll get something tonight. I’m with my wife,
and she’s got a conjugal duty. I’m gonna go sit
at the peasant’s table. Thank you, Dima. – Thank you.
– Goodbye. Goodbye. I won’t give you any more hair. I don’t need your hair. Really? And what do you want this time? A tooth? An ear? How do you want
to frame Ilya this time? Know your enemy
better than yourself, and victory is inevitable. Kostyan, forget it.
I’m not gonna frame him. I was really wrong. And I want to end
this whole conflict with Ilya. I don’t know how to approach him
to patch things up. Maybe I should take him out
for a beer? Well, maybe. Do you really want
to make up with him? Well, yeah, that’s why I’m asking. Listen, what does he like, anyway? Well, he likes everything. It’s easier to say
what he doesn’t like. It’s even better. Well, girls over 60 kilos, though it depends
on the situation, too. Tips in coins. Phobia. He’s got an insect phobia. Yeah. Well, you can invite him to sauna,
he’ll love it. – Thank you, Kostyan.
– Yeah, you’re welcome. – Okay, I’ll go now.
– You’re welcome. Yeah, by the way, I’m dreaming
to relax in a jacuzzi with aroma-oils, but that’s in case you ever
want to make up with me. Thanks, that it wasn’t
in my nose. Thank you. Chef, there’s someone here
to see you. Thank you. Hello. I’m not alone. I thought you guys
should get to know each other in a normal, so to say, environment. – Please.
– Thank you. Have a seat. – I can…
– Yea, it’s a very sad restaurant. Why? It’s a classic French atmosphere. Well, they were too lazy
to find a good interior designer. So, what kind of show program
do you have? Well, at mom’s restaurant,
there’s at least a saxophonist playing. And the only entertainment you have is a dog running outside the window. People eat in the restaurant,
not having fun. Right. When they can’t cook,
there’s a show program for distraction. Well, well, well. Well, at mom’s restaurant
they can cook. Well, not everything, but they can. – Please.
– No menu, thank you, Ilya. Tonight’s dinner
I’ve made up myself. The truth is only for two people, but it’s fine, we’ll share. And I’m curious,
where’s the toilet here? I’d like to know, just in case. That way, please. He’s just a chatty boy. Hello. Are you stupid? Close the door. Can’t see,
people are having some rest in here. You’re on all the channels,
and now you’re in the toilet too. Come on, push harder, maybe you’ll squeeze out
something funny. What’s wrong with you,
numb-nuts? I’ll come out now and kill you.
You got it? Are you still here? What, baby, did you wet yourself? The tongue is long,
and the peepee is short. Yeah. Oh, I’ve splashed it on you. What are you doing,
little dipshit? What are you doing?
It hurts. Now it’ll hurt more. Thanks. Little shit,
I’ll drag you to the kitchen, so they’ll chop you
into cutlets there. Hey, let go of me! Dima, what’s wrong with you?
Let go of him. Is this worm with you? First of all, it’s not a worm,
it’s my son, so you know. Dima, watch your language, moreover he’s a guest
of our restaurant. Really? This worm… this guest has almost
ruined my suit. He has to eat here for a year now
to pay off this suit. – Excuse me, please.
– That’s okay. Dima, I invited him. If you want to punish him,
punish me. I can pay for your dry cleaning. I can drop it off if you want,
I have a lot of experience. Really? Remember, both of you… This is my restaurant. I invest my soul in here,
I invest here more than my soul, I invest my dough in here, and I won’t tolerate
any mess here. It’s an intelligent, decent place. Yea…It’s a decent place. What’s wrong ? Are you out of your mind? It wasn’t me! It’s the ants! Yeah, aliens! Why did you take
so many plates at once, freaking octopus? Because of you, we need to redo
so many dishes now. Can’t you hear me?
I’m saying it’s not my fault! Of course it’s not his fault. It’s my fault that I have just idiots
working in my restaurant. Though, what restaurant is it, huh? It’s a circus! “Moulin Rouge”! Naked men are running
around the dining-hall. Why were you juggling salads
in the dining-hall? Why don’t you just start juggling
with your snot? Redhead clown! So this month
you’re working without a bonus. Has everyone heard, huh? Vika, make sure that his tips
go to my pocket. My poor ants are all gone. They’ll die. Max! Kostik! My ants! They’re gone! They can’t live
without the house, Kostik! My ants! Kostyan,
I had to get back at him. Stop whining!
I’ll buy you new ants! – Did you kill them?
– Max, you’d better go. Kostyan, you don’t understand
what a freak he is. And I think you’re the freak. Max, can you please tell me
why did you do it? Are you sick? Do you understand
that you can’t treat people like this?! And with ants too! Let me explain it at home. Okay? Nobody wants to see you. – Not here, not at home.
– Well, piss off! Pease! I’ll find a place to sleep. There is no war without a loss. And sometimes victory
brings so much loss, that it feels more like a defeat. War is always unpredictable. Your enemy can become your ally. Mom, Mom, come on! if you two
develop common interests. Your entertainment program
is more interesting than saxophonist. And thank you
for saving me from that… – …pretentious bald …
– Yea, I got it, don’t continue. That’s it, bye. We’re off. The most affected by war
are the innocent ones who have been drawn into battle
against their will. War is the path of deception and sometimes you are the one
who’ s been deceived. “MAX” SUBSCRIBE NEW EPISODES
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