Trump’s Border Wall, Healthy Food Baby Names – Monologue

-Let’s get to the news.
President Trump spoke at a Hanukkah reception today
at the White House. Well, technically, he made
a wish and blew out the candles. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] According to The Daily Beast, President Trump dismissed
the economic impact of increasing the national debt,
saying that he, quote, “Won’t be here
when it becomes a problem.” [ Laughter ]
Which is, incidentally, the same thing he said
before Don Jr. was born. “By the time this thing’s
a problem, I’m — I’m going to be out of here.”
[ Laughter ] Republican senators
introduced a bill today to fully fund President Trump’s
$25 billion border wall. And if you’re wondering how
they’re going to pay for it, it’s also a dunk tank. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ]
The 2019 — The 2019 Golden Globe
nominations were announced this morning, with Netflix in the lead
among streaming services with 13 nominations. So get ready
for your mom to call and ask you which channel
Netflix is on. [ Laughter ] A 75-year-old New Jersey man
has been arrested on suspicion of running a prostitution ring
out of a nursing home. [ Laughter ] He’s the first pimp in history who actually needs
to use the cane. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Producers announced yesterday that Steve Harvey
will be hosting a live New Year’s Eve special
on Fox, where the ball will drop, but his eyebrows will not. [ Laughter ] That’s right — Steve Harvey will be hosting
a live New Year’s Eve special. So get ready for him to announce
the wrong year. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] [ Cheers and applause ]
Hey. [ Applause continues ] Biologists are reporting
that the world’s oldest bird, which is at least 68 years old,
has laid a new egg. It waited this long because
it was focusing on its career. [ Laughter ] MTV is reportedly working
on a reboot of its animated show
“Celebrity Deathmatch,” where Claymation re-creations of
famous people fight each other. And if you’re curious what a clay version of Ted Cruz
looks like, yeah, about the same. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] A man…
[ Cheers and applause ] [ Applause continues ] A man who turned 101 this week
gained media attention after he credited his longevity
to drinking one Coors Light every day at 4:00 p.m.
for the past 15 years. [ Laughter ]
So there you go — the secret to longevity
is to lay off the Coors Light until you’re 86. [ Laughter ] Finally,
according to a new report, the number of parents
naming their babies after healthy foods, such
as kale, kiwi, maple, and hazel, has increased… and just when
we got rid of bullying.

57 thoughts on “Trump’s Border Wall, Healthy Food Baby Names – Monologue

  1. Whatever happened to Mexico is paying for the wall??? Can any Trump supporters or Trump administration or Republican answer this question for me?

  2. Well, of all those names, Hazel has been popular in the past…I have, or had, a great (great) named Hazel, as well as Laurel.

  3. Won't be around when it becomes a problem. That idiot just said out loud what everyone knows the gop had been thinking for years now. Party of fiscal responsibility, my ass!

  4. I picked up a girl in Uber the other day name Kale… I asked, "Are you Kay-lee?" And she replied with a very depressed voice… "No… it is Kale…"

  5. I'll have you know I named my child after the 30 rock character, not some health food. I ain't no hippie.

    None of this is real.

  6. How is it still possible that people will listen to the Low I.Q. idiot. He now comes right out and says he's going to screw up the future economy and environment and his sheeple love him for it.
    Is there that much lead in our nations water supply?
    To support the Basketball at this point is truly stupidity or insanity or both. It's obvious why the politicians support him. He's lining their pockets as well as his own.
    The basketball has normalized lying, stealing, fraud, and now even murder.
    This is YOUR conservative party. The lawless party.
    By the way that only applies to rich white men. Brown people you need to follow the law or suffer the consequences. But even if you do follow the law. Conservatives reserve the right to justify your murderous death.

  7. Babies named after food – nice! Just in time for all the Rhymes With ‘-Aiden’ Name kids to start turning 18…

  8. Im a Kiwi; from the land of Kiwi and kiwifruit, never met anyone named Kiwi before.
    But I’ve never heard anyone be called Orange or Eagle either 🤷‍♀️

  9. He cuts the pay raise for 2,000,000 Federal employees and still wants to build that moronic wall? Not with my money! There will be a war if they pass through anything about it. There are tunnels under the border and there are drones that easily carry drugs over it. How is a wall going to change that? It better not go through. It just better not or rotten tomatoes are going to be in season in D.C.! 🙁 Songs

  10. $25 Billion doesn't actually sound like much, but i'm sure a lot of that money vaporizes and vanishes before they go over budget, or even start on building the wall.
    Bigger question of course is, i thought he said Mexico was paying for it, so what's the deal?

  11. If there is any justice, trump won’t be around when his stupid and selfish policies “hit the fan.” trump will be in jail!

  12. seth, please stop with the lame "stop and stare at the camera until the audience gets a cue to clap" .. you look like a deer in the headlights ffs. they don't clap because the jokes are not funny most times.. your long pauses waiting for applause is silly… just try to get some new writers and make some funny stuff happen please.. 🙂 🙂 and PS i am not a trump fan, he is an idiot… but you can be funnier telling us that.

  13. Donald Trump is a genius. He promised to 'drain the swamp' and he is doing it. He is using a plan so cunning you could pin a tail on it and call it a weasel. He hires / appoints Swamp Monsters, they get investigated, charged, prosecuted and jailed. Job done. Don't tell me this is anything but un-adult-aerated genius…

  14. Random fact about Celebrity Deathmatch: One of the animators who worked on it made puppets of her parents so she could photograph her clay parents meeting clay celebrities to make her mom laugh. The clay figures of her parents are in all the audience reaction shots. I just thought that was cool.

  15. Drinking a beer at 4:00 pm everyday is not the key to a longer life; It's DOING SOMETHING YOU LOVE AND THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY everyday that can lead to a longer life. Make time for yourself. That's all; loved the rest of the bit. "Don't take yourself so seriously." Geeez

  16. Maple is named after healthy food? Maple syrup is considered healthy? <pouring intensifies><noise of pancakes drowning>

  17. Steve made one mistake and we're still laughing about it. Someone should put him in contact with trump and let him explain the need to just chill the F out and enough with the freaking tweets already.

  18. Seth, most large parrot species normally live to be 80-100 years old if properly cared for. 68 is not the world’s oldest bird. Might be the oldest for that species, but certainly not in the world.

  19. If only we could think of something else to use that $25 billion wall fund for. I wonder what we could do with that money that might actually benefit Americans, she says sarcastically. 🤔

  20. God, the idea of having to explain Netflix isn’t on Tv to some technologically illiterate mom is just exhausting, I can’t imagine actually having to do it.

  21. umm Americans please don't name your children "kiwi" – firstly it's called kiwifruit – and second us New Zealanders don't go around naming our kids "American"

  22. Meanwhile

    A Mexican Town Is Giving Americans Something Donald Trump Can’t: Affordable Dental Care

    Trump’s anti-Mexican rhetoric doesn’t worry the 600 dentists in Los Algodones or the US “dental refugees” they treat, many of whom voted for Trump. “We’re helping the United States take care of the people they are not able to.”

    While Donald Trump and Republicans have made repealing and replacing the Affordable Care Act one of their top legislative priorities, what’s rarely mentioned is that the US is in the midst of a dental care crisis. According to the National Association of Dental Plans, 114 million Americans don’t have dental insurance, including 46.3 million people aged 65 or older. And for those who do, the costs of dental work can still be out of reach.

    Enter Molar City, the dental Shangri-la of the Mexican desert that’s doing what nobody in Washington has done: keeping American mouths healthy and happy at a fraction of the price.
    Says Los Algodones Mayor Christian Camacho: “We’re helping the United States take care of the people they are not able to.”

    Trump’s promise to Make America Great Again by bringing jobs back from Mexico notwithstanding, neither the White House nor Republicans seems eager to do anything about the country’s dental care crisis. And that, according to mayor Camacho, has forced Mexico to step in.

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